


The Devil's Lunchbox

by HaveMyWeedCookies



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe, Domestic Fluff, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, devil!Sanji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28012590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaveMyWeedCookies/pseuds/HaveMyWeedCookies
Summary: A "my roommate from Hell (literally)" story.Zoro was an unorthodox priest who shared an apartment with Sanji, a peculiar devil who only fed off his praises. Somehow, they made it work.
Relationships: Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 24
Kudos: 230





	The Devil's Lunchbox

His lunch today was seafood fried rice, samosas, and watermelon balls for dessert.

The samosas came in _three_ shapes. Not only that, the cook even garnished the watermelon balls with fancy cocktail umbrellas. He was up to something again. This was bad for Zoro - the holy water didn't work on that bastard anymore.

Zoro's trouble went unnoticed by his fellow priest who was too busy drooling over Zoro's deep-fried pastries. Usopp squealed with delight when Zoro gave him a nod, and quickly grabbed one of the samosas.

"Your roommate's cooking is godlike."

"Huh," grunted Zoro noncommittally. _That's irony._

"He should open a restaurant." Usopp praised, licking every last bit of crumbs on his fingers. His happiness bubble burst as soon as he noticed his fellowship meal. His mushy mashed peas, stale bread, and soggy chips paled in comparison with Zoro's. Usopp grabbed his fork with a sigh and started spiritlessly digging in his lunch.

"It's not like they don't have money or anything. I just don't understand why are we eating shitty food all the time?"

"The church is shitty."

" _The hypocrisy of the church_." They both snickered at Usopp's imitation of Robin's famous quote. Her publications infuriated the high-ups so much they gave the nun an ultimatum, stop publishing her work or leave the convent. Robin being Robin, wrote an open letter to the church denouncing its corruption, and signed in her own blood*. The cowards had left "the devil nun" and her convent alone ever since.

Usopp took a bite of his bread, made a face before spitting out small gravels. "Who the hell is on the cooking rota today? Seriously, we need a real cook or someone who doesn't put stones in our food. How are we supposed to fight evil eating poorly like this?"

Zoro deliberately took a long sip from his cup to avoid answering the question.

"Tell Robin, not me."

"Actually, I'll be visiting her in a few days. It's been a while since we last caught up."

"How's she doing?"

"She's planning to remodel one of the convent's buildings into a homeless shelter. Franky said you could take one of the rooms." 

"Nah. I'm good."

Usopp observed Zoro calmly with his sharp eyes that seemed to see through everything. It was one of the moments that reminded Zoro that beneath his goofy facade, Usopp was a frightening man. 

"True. You've been oddly _sober_ since your mysterious roommate appeared in your life." 

Luckily, Zoro didn't have to respond to Usopp's observation because -

“Shit!”

Usopp cursed and ducked under the table. When Zoro spotted Luffy entering the dining hall with the eye of a food-crazed maniac, he followed suit.

It was when he was hiding from the gluttonous monster that Zoro finally remembered what kind of danger had awaited him.

_Today is payday._

_Crap._

* * *

"I want an ice cream maker."

"No."

"You haven't heard my reason yet."

"I don't have to."

"I want to make blood orange sorbet."

"No."

"Don't you want to eat my homemade ice cream?"

Shit. 

For a goat demon, the bastard nailed the puppy dog eyes.

Zoro carefully kept his distance from the master of seduction while taking off his black cassock and white clerical collar. "Cook, you know damn well we don't have money for a fancy ice cream maker."

Gone was his crocodile tears, the 'cook' wasted no time to accuse him, "this is your fault." 

Zoro paid him no attention and went to grab a beer from the fridge. 

"Hand over the clothes."

The greenhead huffed but threw his uniform across the room. The blond man caught it with ease, hanging the cassock on a hanger before smoothing out its wrinkles with his hands.

"Next, your disgusting haramaki."

"My haramaki stays." Zoro patted his belly warmer affectionately. "How the fuck is it my fault?"

"We would not be in dire need of money if your lazy ass worked harder."

"Said the freeloader devil who never helps paying rent."

The demonic roommate was unimpressed with the accusation. This stupid priest had no qualms about brushing off his request and chilling out with a beer on the couch that he spent the whole morning cleaning. Having one eye wasn't a good reason to not notice Sanji's hard work. 

"Psst. A shitty priest like you would never have a fresh and crisp wardrobe if not for me, marimo."

Zoro hated it when the evil was right.

His shoebox of an apartment didn't look and smell like a junkyard any more, courtesy of the cook's clean freak nature. But- the priest shouldn't appreciate the work of the devil. It was a matter of principle. Also, if he complimented the cook, he would try harder and that would put Zoro's allowances at risk.

The cook controlled like 90% of Zoro's finances now. As it turned out, all devils had doctoral degrees in accounting. The fruit of Sanji's investment yielded beautifully, keeping his fridge full of food and _Booze_ in its glorious abundance and variety. Still, the devil was a tyrannical asshole. 

When Zoro lived by himself, he barely made ends meet. There were times he had to swallow his pride and borrow from the witch to survive until his next payday. The cook made budgeting look so _effortless_ , it must be black magic.

"It's called a wholesale purchase, dumb sponge."

"Hey, don't read my mind!"

"Then, don't think loudly!" shouted back the devil who had returned with their new vacuum cleaner. The machine started shrieking like a ghoul. Zoro groaned, knowing there would be no peaceful evening for him today. The cook, a germaphobic who went nuts over a mere idea of having a single grain of dust on his territory, kept hitting Zoro's ankles with the vacuum's head, demanding him to move his legs away so he could vacuum the already spotless carpet.

With no better things to do, Zoro decided to pick a fight with Sanji.

"We would have more money if you practice self-control and stop buying non-essential stuff."

The devil instantly turned off the vacuum with a kick, resting his hands on his hips in a defensive manner. "Define _non-essential stuff._ "

"Like your vacuum cleaner. Your microfiber mop!" Zoro gestured wildly. "Or, your washing machine!"

"I refuse to wash your dirty laundry by hand! We're not living in the medieval period anymore, marimo!”

“I never lived in the middle ages.”

“I did. Let me tell you they treated house servants far better than you're treating me."

"There're three fucking kinds of detergents in my bathroom. Why?"

"I'd love to see you try removing limescale from your purgatory of a toilet with a bar of soap!"

"Limes have scales now?"

The cook gave him a withering look.

"...Just finish your beer and let me work in peace."

The cook never backed down from an argument, so Zoro took this rare moment as his win. 

"By the way, who was the poor beast that got slain by the barbaric priest today?” asked the cook while vacuuming up the carpet. 

"Werewolf."

“Animal cruelty is a punishable offence in both Heaven and Earth." 

“I killed it before it could transform.”

“Fine. That’s ethical.”

"I couldn't care any less."

"But you should care about the mutt's dirty blood on your uniform, shithead. **That's why I have to buy a lot of laundry detergents**."

If Zoro's self-preservation was like an ambulance car, it would be blazing the emergency sirens like crazy. 

"Now, hand over the 1,000 Berries you're hiding in your smelly belly warmer. Our rice cooker needs repairing."

The defeated priest gazed at his blue wallpaper, pondering why couldn't he win a single argument with the fiend.

* * *

See, Zoro was a priest. He exorcised evil spirits for a living. To be honest, it wasn't his dream job. Zoro was an atheist and didn't want to work. What he really wanted for his life was to challenge the thousand-year-old vampire warlord and become the greatest swordsman. Sadly, he happened to be born poor, with no family money (to help him live his jobless life), but a somewhat spiritual gift that helped him keep the roof over his head.

The priesthood was not bad - dull but bearable. But seven months ago, the church had enough of Zoro ignoring their stupid rule of alcohol abstinence and kicked him out of his clergy house. Zoro thought they were stupid. All he did was steal communion wine! Luffy raided the kitchen every single night and they still let the glutton stay.

(Luffy was a young priest whose sole technique of purification was punching demons out of their possessed victims. The church almost went bankrupt due to hospital bills and lawsuits filed by his clients. But - that was another story for another time.)

Despite getting roped into Luffy's shenanigans, Zoro was a pro at not getting himself into a mess that he couldn't get out. That was until he met a certain high-class demon.

When the news of demon sightings in the nearby town reached his ears, Zoro had already moved into his new apartment which he now had to pay rent by himself. He was pissed, cash-starved, itching to kill something.

It was one of Hell's elite commanders. Its reputation doubled the townspeople's panic - which consequently tripled a _price_ on its head.

On his second night in the town, Zoro finally tracked the devil down.

Under the moonless night, the ram's golden fleece ominously illuminated the dark alley. The devil didn't even bother to hide from the priest. Unlike other demonic entities that guarded their names fiercely, this devil gave Zoro its true name.

"I've stomped on thousands of your brothers." 

"I'm here to cut you down." The priest announced. 

The devil's smirking face was one of arrogance that Zoro would gladly wipe it out with his blades.

"Then, I shall put you in your place." said the devil before transforming into a beautiful young man. "Under my feet."

His legs were burning hellfire red. 

* * *

When Zoro got out of the shower, the cook was already in bed, scribbling down his notebook, reading glasses perching on his nose. On their window sill sat a potted basil plant.

"What are you thinking about, marimo?"

"About how you made me steal the basil from Usopp."

"Don't blame the devil for your own sin, human."

"It's true." 

The cook rolled his eyes at him, irritated. "You had one job - to buy basil from the market. Instead, your alcoholic ass bought a six-pack of beer and drank them in one go. Afraid of coming home to my wrath, you savagely uprooted the poor herb from Usopp's garden. For a moss man, you have no green fingers."

"I wasn't afraid of you, shitty cook."

"Before you go to bed, spray the basil with its nutrient solution."

Zoro glared at the stupid plant that the cook coddled like it was a baby. One day, he'd swap the solution with his piss and see if it -

 **"Roronoa Zoro. I swear I'll cut your dick off if you dare finish** **that disgusting thought."**

Zoro had fought the demon for three days straight. It was the best fight in his life.

His stomach hadn't had anything for days, not even water, but he felt strangely content, quenched.

"You are great, Devil."

He didn't mean to say it out loud.

The devil froze and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

* * *

"What're you writing?"

"You're chatty today, aren't you?"

"Fuck you. Hurry up and turn off the light, so we can go to fucking sleep."

"In a few minutes, my impatient moss. I'm doing inventory. We are running short of rice but I still have discount coupons that I diligently cut from the brochures. Oh - and I found a new local fish market today-"

The cook animatedly recalled his day while Zoro laid staring at his ceiling, deep in thought. He hadn't earned a lot of money recently. The cook was happy with clearance electronics and second-hand furniture, but the idea that ~~the cook~~ they couldn't afford nice and new things really pissed Zoro off.

"It's your fault that this town has no evil spirits anymore.”

"You are bringing up this old issue because you're still mad at me for taking your money."

"Ha! You just admitted it's my money."

"It's mine now because apparently, you suck at spending it wisely."

"The church doesn't give me exorcism jobs anymore."

"You are a priest, marimo. Your job isn’t just stabbing evil spirits with your magic swords. Even Luffy does a confessional-"

Not only could Luffy sit still in the box, the penitents actually liked him, saying the boy was a good listener and his advice worked. It seemed a lot of problems could be solved by punching.

"-So, go anoint the sick. Don't forget to take their donations."

"That's Chopper's job. You know I can't heal people."

"How about saying mass? Blessing stuff, preaching stuff? There must be something a moss ball like you could do."

Zoro crossed his arms over his chest and turned his back on the cook. "People hate me." 

"They don't hate you, they are terrified of you, silly. You look like a death row fugitive. You should learn from Brook and work on your manners," lectured the _gentlemanly_ cook, the only being in the universe who ran errands in a wine-red suit. Zoro grumbled into his pillow.

"I hate people. I don't want to go to work. And - stop comparing me to my friends."

Sanji chuckled, patting the temperamental manchild's head until he started purring adorably.

The devil returned the next night, offering to fight Zoro every day. As exciting as the proposal sounded, Zoro's apartment didn't pay for itself.

"Nah. I have work," said Zoro, bidding adieu to the dumbstruck devil.

Zoro's rejection, however, hadn't deterred Sanji from following him back to his apartment and infesting his life with his endless complaints about Zoro's "sloppy room" or his "poor personal hygiene!" 

"I'm not fighting you. Leave me the fuck alone," the priest angrily waved his hands over his head, trying to shoo the annoying big fly away. The smartass's favourite whining time was in the middle of the night when Zoro was too tired to get off his mattress to stab him.

"...Actually, I'm not after a physical combat."

* * *

"So, how was lunch?" Sanji asked in nervous anticipation. Shyness coloured his cheeks with a lovely pink blush.

“It was good. I had to guard it against Luffy and the others."

Despite how many times he had already seen it, it never ceased to mesmerize Zoro - the way the cook _ate,_ how his body shone with a glowing light like flames in the hearth.

Most of the demons fed off the misanthropy of the humans. 

But, Sanji was a peculiar devil. He only found nourishment in praises.

"I started my first job as an incubus but lust couldn't satiate me. It was delicious but it's a poor-nutrient food, like konjac. My graceful senior succubi wisely taught me that I must believe in what I eat-"

"I'm not your therapist," Zoro groused. "But what the hell does that even mean?"

"Like what you humans say happy pigs makes good meat."

"..."

"-I suppose my body finds it infeasible to live on lust. I don't know what humans feel for me are...genuine. I mean they don't know me or what I can actually do. They are simply attracted to my magic and don't lik- lust for me as a person."

"Why would I give a shit if you starve to death or not?"

"We don't die from starvation. If you don't praise me, I'd simply be dwelling on eternal hunger."

"..."

For all he knew, this sly demon could be waiting to drag him to hell once he signed the deal. But, Zoro was a simple man who would do anything, including selling his soul, for his _devil-free_ good night's sleep.

"If I give you my praises, will you leave me the fuck alone?"

The devil beamed at him. "I'll give you everything you want!"

Zoro snorted at the devil's confidence. 

"Sorry to disappoint you, curly. I don't have any wish for you to grant."

"Granting wishes is the crossroad demons' job, duh." The devil corrected, looking down on Zoro like he was a stupid child who knew nothing about Hell's division of labour. "And, unless you bring a lawyer which I highly doubt you have money to do so, a fool like you should avoid making a deal with them."

"In other words, you're useless. What a shame, I could use beer."

The devil growled. "What a stupid unsophisticated desire! I don't need magic to give you a beer, marimo!"

The next morning, Zoro went to work like he always did, wading through the piles of rubbish and empty bottles. He came back to a clean apartment, a hot meal and an ice-cold pint. His first reaction was to make sure that he didn't enter somebody's home by accident (again).

The curly menace looked pleased with himself.

* * *

On the second week of their cohabitation, Zoro finally had it enough and banned Sanji from doing chores at 3 o'clock in the freaking morning.

"No one does chores at this ungodly hour, damn cook!"

The cook threw his hands up in frustration. "It's my working hour, marimo! Don't be anthropocentric!"

"Go to sleep," warned Zoro. Many nights of interrupted sleep had pushed the man's nerves to the breaking point.

"Where in this filthy stable should I sleep?" Sassed the cook and looked beyond horrified when Zoro started patting his dirty bare mattress.

"Do it, curly. Or, I'll cancel our contract," Zoro ordered with the face of a man who was going to get his revenge.

He slept soundly, snuggling up to the warm fluffy fleece of the traumatized golden ram. Sanji refused to sleep in his human form until Zoro got a proper bed.

They eventually visited IKEA and bought a queen-size bed.

Sanji rarely stayed his ram form unless he was mad. At Zoro. In the cook's book, everything was Zoro's fault.

Zoro had grown tired of arguing with the dramatic cook and choosing to let his overreaction run its course. Actually, he was looking forward to the cook's fluffy form because the animal couldn't _speak._ He bleated, surely, but he was cuddly.

"You _reek_ of a stranger's cooking! Did you like it?! Was it better than mine?!"

His client, Hiyori, invited him for dinner. The food was fine, but Zoro didn't like anything in particular. What he hated, however, was coming home to the cook's bossy attitude. 

"It was delicious."

In hindsight, Zoro really should have known that it was a suicidal idea - eating food that wasn't cooked by the devil and lying straight to his face.

His stomach almost got ripped open by the enraged ram's horns.

The shopkeepers' scorn for Zoro marked their six-month milestone.

The market wasn't _safe_. It was full of dangerous people like those fishmongers who wrote a fucking ode to the cook. And there was _that woman_ who wanted Zoro lynched. He was pretty sure she was a witch.

Despite their blatant adoration of him, Sanji didn't take compliments from unknown sources - strangers whom he couldn't trust their judgments. The cook only ate Zoro's _praises._ Still, he must nip potential threats in the bud.

"Don't mingle with humans. Ever."

"I'm not going to hurt them!" shouted the upset cook, totally clueless and stupid.

Nami's shop sucked Zoro's wallet dry. The price he had no choice but to pay if he didn't want hoof prints on his forehead. 

Luckily, those damn overpriced bath bombs worked. 

* * *

“Don't remove watermelon seeds next time. I want to spit them out myself.”

“You're ruining my aftertaste with your ridiculous nitpicking," the cook puffed his cheeks in annoyance. Zoro's heart skipped beats.

"Hey, I'll try...asking for a job tomorrow."

The cook's face brightened instantly, little stars of hope dancing in his blue eyes. "I'm so proud of you, marimo. I'll make a super delicious lunchbox tomorrow!"

He had a deep-seated problem, Zoro realized. He was living off the devil's praises.

His soul was at stake and it didn't bother him at all.

"Are you possessed, man?"

"Why does everyone keep saying this?"

"You are Roronoa Zoro, the laziest priest on God's green earth. That's why."

"Gimme a job."

"Sure, but why? Let me guess - you are running low on booze."

"I want an ice cream maker." 

Usopp gawked at him. Zoro looked down at his feet, becoming suddenly interested in the mosaic floor.

"For safety measures, I think you should take two sessions of Luffy's exorcism," Usopp suggested seriously. He barely dodged a punch from the flustered greenhead.

That stupid appliance cost 32,000 Berries. The fact that the price was out of Zoro's budget annoyed the hell out of him, distracted him, and made him forget to bring his lunch to work. The cook was so going to kill him tonight. With this false start, Zoro wasn't surprised at all why his entire day was cursed.

Robin's afternoon tea was torture. Zoro chomped down on his tea sandwiches while enduring the other assholes making fun of him for wanting to work.

"Shut up, evil witch."

"I'm a white witch, dumbass," Nami replied delicately. 

"You _rip off_ people for a living." 

"I save their souls from the corruption of wealth. My good deeds will grant me an entry to heaven." 

"There're so many wrong things in those sentences." Usopp detected fallacy.

"No one would let you into heaven." Zoro snickered.

"Like you're the one to talk, Zoro. You'll go straight to hell."

"I don't give a shit," Zoro announced proudly before taking a sip of his tea. 

"If I have a very cute devil friend, I'd not mind going to hell, too," Robin giggled. The nun had returned to the garden-

"I'm not cute, Robin-chan!"

-with an embarrassed devil in a magenta suit.

Zoro spat the tea in poor Usopp's face. 

"COOK!"

"...You forgot your lunchbox," Sanji murmured guiltily, holding Zoro's lunchbox in his hands.

* * *

"I'm dying."

"Good."

"Stop being a douchebag and get me antacids."

"Do human medicines ever work on you?" 

"I don't know, but I need help. I overate." Sanji was lying down on the living room's floor, happily rubbing his stomach. "That was my first time eating to my heart's content!"

"Were their praises good?" 

"Mhmm. Delicious and nutritious!" The cook burped. He also mumbled something about how nice Zoro's friends were before passing out.

The priest quietly carried the snoring devil to their bed.

* * *

Usopp woke up in his confession box in the quiet afternoon. As he was thinking about coffee, Usopp heard the sound of someone moving in the room on his left side. He stifled his yawn before putting on his awe-inspiring voice. 

"Be not afraid to confess your sins, child. Your reliable Father Usopp is here to guide you to the path of light."

The 'penitent' snorted.

"...Zoro?"

"Shit... I'm not Zoro."

"What the hell are you doing here, Brother Zoro?"

"I forgot something in the room."

"What are you **hiding** in the room?" 

"None of your business. But - it's not an ice cream maker."

"Holy shit. You have stolen it!" Usopp slapped his forehead. "Return it to the shopkeeper and beg for his forgiveness."

"No." 

"Oh my god, if I hadn't met Sanji, I'd think you were bewitched by the devil. You're hopeless, Zoro. And, an idiot."

"No one gonna knows about it if you don't rat me out."

"People will find out, dude!"

"Don't be chicken. No one knows I stole the basil from your garden five months ago."

"..."

"...Fuck."

"You stole my _Ocimum sanctum_?!"

"It's just a plant."

"It's _holy basil_ , the most revered herb! It's the last of its kind. Give it back!"

"It belongs to the cook now."

"..."

"..."

"Fine. But, in exchange for my silence, I demand Sanji's cooking." 

Usopp was actually bluffing. Because of the sacramental seal, he couldn't tell on Zoro's crime but the greenhead didn't know _this rule,_ too busy getting drunk and sleeping in class. He, therefore, was tricked, deservedly so. 

* * *

"It's actually your fault, marimo," Sanji laughed.

"He's a dick," grumbled Zoro, mad because the cook didn't take his side.

Sanji shook his head and went back to preparing mackerel for Usopp's lunch.

Usopp finally liberated himself from the church's horrible food and Sanji was more than happy to share his cooking with the long-nose. Since the afternoon tea incident, the cook had met the Strawhats a few times but somehow knew exactly what kinds of food they loved and were very fond of their praises on his cooking.

"You know people's praises tastes like their favourite dishes."

"...Is that so?"

"Usopp's praises are like his love for fish recipes, very tender and hearty."

"..."

"Luffy and Franky's praises have a rich flavour of meat and everything greasy," Sanji recalled the flavours of their friends' praises with a smile. "Praises from Brook and Chopper are mild and sweet like afternoon tea. And I'd die for Nami-san and Robin-chan's praises! My luxurious hors d'oeuvres."

"I'm not hungry."

Zoro got up, took a beer and left the kitchen. 

He was putting on his boots, ready to go out and get drunk in the pub when he saw the stupid ice cream maker in the corner of the living room. The cook hadn't seen it yet. Zoro felt stupid for stealing the appliance when the person who had wanted it might be moving out soon. After all, he had found other people who were better at giving praises than Zoro.

Suddenly, a portal opened beneath his feet, sucking him into the void of darkness. 

A minute later, Zoro got teleported back to the kitchen, wobbly and furious.

"You can't just drop me into the void!"

"You can't just skip dinner," the devil replied calmly.

On the table was grilled salmon, rice, pickled vegetables, and miso soup. All were Zoro's favourite dishes but he refused to pick his chopsticks.

Unfazed by his human's tantrum, Sanji started picking apart the salmon with Zoro's chopsticks, before bringing the soft meat to the greenhead's stubborn mouth.

"Your favourites are always easy to make. You can eat the same thing over and over again. Fish. Rice. No fancy garnishes. What a simple life form."

Zoro raised his eyebrows at him. "Are you expecting me to eat your food after you've just insulted me?"

Sanji smirked and pushed the food in Zoro's mouth while the marimo was grumbling. 

Zoro chewed his food in sulky silence, looking like a dumb dog that Sanji had grown to love so much.

As far as Sanji remembered, hunger had followed him like a shadow, twisting and tearing his hollow stomach. 

In his desperate search to satiate his emptiness, he found the earth, flourishing with the creation born of the god and the devil, who filled the world with the aroma of their cooking.

It gave him hope - that if he stayed, maybe one day he would find the person who could make him full.

"I can't live without your praises."

Zoro frowned. "But you say..."

"Simple things are the most important things, marimo. You are my simple recipe for happiness."

"Oh," Zoro said.

The cook brought him warm sake after the meal.

For the first time in his life, Zoro didn't drink just to quench his restless thirst. He savoured it.

* * *

"I love you, cook."

Sanji hit his hand on the corner of the table in his hurry to turn on the light. He looked at the greenhead lying by his side who was staring at him with his intense silver eye.

"...That's a peculiar way of saying 'thank you for the meal'."

Zoro turned off the light and pulled the cook under the blankets as if nothing happened - that he hadn't just turned Sanji's world upside down.

"I thought my enchantment didn't work on you!"

"It doesn't."

"I'm so sorry, marimo. I'll fix the seal tomorrow."

Zoro heaved out a sigh. "You know, people can love other people for who they are, not because of how good they can cook."

“How does that even work? You cannot love somebody just because they exist."

"You are dumb."

"You are a marimo."

"It's not an insult."

"It is."

"I love you."

In the dark, the cook started glowing vibrantly like Christmas lights.

"Stop!"

Zoro grinned wickedly and made it his mission to see how many colours could Sanji glow. Sanji started wiggling in Zoro arms, yelling at him to shut up. Zoro didn't halt his assault. It seemed nothing could come to the poor devil's rescue. Suddenly, _a pair of wings_ sprouted from Sanji's back and - slapped Zoro across the room.

They looked at each other, Sanji in horror. Zoro in shock, and with a dislocated jaw.

"What have you done to me, marimo?"

* * *

"Shit," Nami whistled. "When was the last time we saw angels on earth - 800 years ago?"

"I think Zoro has _aroused_ his dormant celestial authority," Robin suggested while inspecting Sanji's feathers with the interest of a taxidermist.

Sanji turned beetroot-red while Zoro picked his nose in blissful ignorance.

The greenhead understood half the shit Robin had said but was confident that he got the gist of it. "So, you've turned from a goat demon to a duck angel?"

"I'm still a demon, asshole!" The cook screeched in denial. "I'm not a lame cherub!"

There was something Zoro wanted to test, so he revealed the secret spell to Luffy and the others who wanted to see "pretty angel."

Needless to say, the cook didn't appreciate their "I love you" ambush.

"You bastards, you think this is funny!?" Sanji chased them around Robin's convent, all fangs and horns, fully demonic.

The wings only reacted to Zoro's words. This knowledge had worsened the cook's identity crisis but put a grin on Zoro's face. Nothing could spoil his good mood, not even being banished to the couch the whole month.

"I'm going to prove that I'm evil." 

"Ugh. Here, we go again."

"Remember the shitty geezer who lives around the corner? I'm going to brainwash him to think that I'm his son and take over his shitty restaurant!" 

"What're you going to do with his restaurant?"

"I'll be its new head chef!"

Zeff had always wanted a son and a retirement. The cook's 'diabolical' plan would basically grant the old man his wishes. Zoro looked at his devil who sucked at his job so bad he outperformed the angels.

Then, Zoro got an idea.

"If you can earn money now, can I quit my job?"

"Why?"

"So, I can stay at home, train, and get stronger." _And, take a nap. A lot of naps._

"How about chores - are you going to help with any?" 

"I smash bugs."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

Sanji gave Zoro a disgusted look. 

"Unless you learn to make a lunchbox that I can show off to my colleagues, you'll not play a homemaker anytime soon, marimo!" 

"You're fucking evil, shitty cook."

* * *

Zoro sat drowsily at the table, waiting for his breakfast before going to work. The new ice cream maker was squeaking annoyingly, churning their evening dessert.

Nothing between them had changed much, as in Sanji's baffling existence was still a centre of the mess in Zoro's life.

He drooled over kitchenware, furniture, and home appliances. He smoked all day but forced Zoro to only drink in the evening. He loved herbs and spices.

"God created food; the Devil created spices," said the cook in his favourite pink apron, stirring the pot of seafood curry. "Humans don't have magic but through their endeavour, they create recipes that can fit the almighty creations in a small pot." The brightness of his smile rivalled the sun's rays shining through the kitchen windows.

Sanji's myriad desires had filled Zoro's empty haven with colours, flavours and fragrances. And, both were satisfied. 

**Author's Note:**

> * Inspired by this awesome nun, Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wSOt3z_-YY


End file.
